But I Love My Perky Tits July 24, 2008
I distinctly remember the episode of Punky Brewster when she ate cheese puffs and did an exercise chanting “I must, I must increase my bust” so that her boobage would be bigger. I’ve always wanted bigger boobs. I’m a solid B cup. I’ve always wanted to be a nice full, voluptuous C cup. The idea of shaking money maker big ta-ta’s is actually quite thrilling.
Last night I got a whole new wardrobe. I mean a whole fucking amazing mind-blowing wardrobe. I tried on tons of tops and dresses with no bra. My breasts looked utterly lovely. Small. Perky. Happy. Smiling nipples. I fell in love with my breasts, for the first time. I don’t think I’m ever going to wear a bra again, at least not until the tits start sagging. I’m cool with my erect nipples being shown off. It excites me.
I’m happy with my body. I feel sexy in it. As shallow as it sounds, I don’t want a pregnancy messing it up. I love my breasts too much. I’m done with all of this fertility crap for now.
I’m no longer an infertile cow. I’m perky tit chick.
The End
Happiness Alludes Me July 22, 2008
So much has happened and I don’t have the time to write. There’s lots to digest. For a moment I reached clarity and then it escaped. I live in my head a bit too much.. and that’s not living.
I’ll post soon, when I can get my head out of my ass.
Where In The World Is Infertile Cow? July 16, 2008
I took time off from work. Just needed it for my mental sanity. The shrink agreed.
MPS surprised me with airline tickets. He rocks. MPS is working and I’m sight seeing. Poor him, lucky me.
I absolutely love jet setting. Booking a last minute flight gives me a rush. Airports make me hate children. One snot nosed child kept running up and down and knocking over my coke zero. The parents did absolutely nothing. I was not amused. Another child howled and screeched during our long as hell flight. I wanted to slap the shit out of gangs of teenagers. I really don’t like other people’s kids. Will I like mine?
I dunno. Being here makes me not want to have children. My life is so incredibly free. We get to do whatever we want. I have a flight out tomorrow to one of my favorite cities in the world. I plan on having debaucherous fun. And the best thing is, I totally can.
Perhaps my life is just perfect now — just me and MPS having one big party. Maybe I’m currently an infertile cow for a reason. I’m so fucking double minded about having kids. This “Summer Off” is giving me a lot of perspective.
Hint: I’m somewhere over the Atlantic. Not in the USA. The ethnic food rocks.
Time For Summer Fun July 8, 2008
I wish my period would just come. I think I would weep from joy. Being in limbo just sucks. Ass-hat clearly doesn’t get how much it truly sucks being in limbo-hell. I suppose that’s a man for you.
I am so tired of this weird cramping bullshit on the lower right side of my belly. Please oh please period please come. I do not want to be pregnant right now.
I’m tired of this nonsense. I just need a break. I need room to breathe, relax and have fun. It’s Summer. I live in the best city in the world. I have the coolest friends a chick could ask for. It’s time to chillax and have a rockin’ Summer. So, I’m done for now. No more fertility anything. No more visits to Ass-hat’s office. I still plan on having mad unprotected sex (condoms — no thank you). One of the best parts of marriage is access to mad unprotected sex.
I’m supposed to go see Ass-hat in 2 weeks to get more blood work done. And I’m thinking — screw that shit. If I don’t get my period in 2 weeks I’ll take another pregnancy test. Hopefully it’ll be hella negative and I can enjoy the Summer having hella naughty fun.
I may or may not update this blog until September. I know there are people out there reading my crazy shit (I see you guys on Stat Counter). I recognize a lot of the IP addresses b/c you’re my peeps and I gave you a link to this blog. But who the fuck are the rest of you reading this?? I have an inkling of who you are (Surprise, I see you!). I hope you’re getting a good laught out of this blog. I’m pretty fucked up, so hopefully you feel less fucked up reading this crap-tastic blog.
My Doctor Is A Fucking Ass-hat July 7, 2008
I officially hate Dr. S. What a fucking dipshit a-hole.
I get a call at 10:15 this morning to come in for a blood test. I rush to the doctor’s office so I can make my 11 am Pilates class. Thankfully, I didn’t miss Pilates or I’d be even more pissed off. My doctor will now be referred to as the Ass-hat. Ass-hat called me this afternoon. I thought about letting the call go to voicemail and caved at the last minute.
Ass-hat: What’s going on? Why did you come in today? [ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????? I came in b/c I got a faint positive on a pregnancy test. I called your fucking stupid office and simply said, “I got a faint positive, what’s the next step?” The receptionist said, “I’ll pass on the message to the Ass-hat.” Apparently, you advised someone in your office to call me to give fucking blood you fucking ass-hat.
Me: I got a faint positive on a pregnancy test.
Ass-hat: When was your last period? [Dude, don’t you have my fucking chart in front of your fucking face, you fucking moron???]
Me: Let me check my calendar…. June 6th.
Ass-hat: Why did you take a pregnancy test? Is it because you missed your period? [If I could have reached through the phone and slapped the shit out of him and punched him in the teeth I would have been happy.]
Me: It was the weekend of the 4th and there were parties to go to… I wanted to know how much fun could be had.
Ass-hat: *The ass-hat chuckles* Well did the results keep you from having fun? [At this point I’m ready to fucking throttle the man.]
Me: Uhm, yeah.
Ass-hat: Well your HCG is 4.5. I don’t know what that means. It could be HCG from the prior pregnancy. We just don’t know.
Me: So can I just ignore this?
Ass-hat: Not if that means you’ll do anything to jeopardize a possible pregnancy. You need to come back in about 2 weeks to get more blood work.
Me: Well that’s great. I have to behave like I’m pregnant for 2 weeks.
Ass-hat: Well, you can come into the office in a week.
Me: Forget it. I’ll be in 2 weeks. BYE.
What about a DOUBLE FUCK YOU??? I loathe the man. Detest him. All I want is a pitcher of prickly pear margarita.
Things Do Not Bode Well For Me
Friday, July 4th: I had debilitating cramps. They would come and go but hurt like a bitch. I had to hunch over in pain. Something was off.
Saturday, July 5th: Faint positive line on pregnancy test.
Sunday, July 6th: Faint positive line on pregnancy test.
Monday, July 7th: Faint positive line on pregnancy test. Puked in my mouth a little from anxiety as I called Dr. S’s office to find out the next step.
Fuck this waiting around, I’m going to Pilates.
Oh My July 3, 2008
Yesterday I decided to get my act together. Even though I’m not hungry from Prozac, I forced myself to eat. I’m quite proud b/c the food just didn’t taste good. I didn’t care — I made myself chew and swallow. Nutrition!!
- Breakfast: TJ’s heart healthy blueberry oatmeal with flax seeds.
- Lunch: mixed green salad with roasted vegetables, polenta & cheese.
- Dinner: steamed French lentils and raw vegetables
As soon as I came home from work, I went on an hour hike. One of my good friends called out of the blue. We chatted it up for 2 1/2 hours. She encouraged me to do group/community meditation as it has given her greater mental clarity. It’s my goal for next week to go to a group meditation.
Last night I started feeling queasy. So queasy that I didn’t want to have sex. And man, did MPS look freaking hot as hell. I woke up feeling icky. My stomach was a little queasy. I felt shakey! I still feel like I could pass out. I’m on 10 dpo. I don’t know what’s going on. I think I maybe coming down with something. I’m not feeling so hot.
Yup, Gearing Up To Pee July 2, 2008
I went to Target and bought pregnancy tests. I plan on testing on Saturday when I’ll be 12 dpo.
On one hand I want the result to be negative:
- My bro is coming into town and we can go out and party.
- I haven’t finished my miscarriage workup.
- I wasn’t on model behavior during the two week wait (2ww) the way I usually am. Ugh, STRESS.
- I’m on Prozac. Even though my shrink says it’s okay to be pregnant and on Prozac it scares me.
- I can’t deal with another miscarriage.
On the other hand, I’d be tickled if it were positive (but riddled with anxiety).
Let me sit here and stress out about this some more.
What Do I Want?
I wrote MPS a love letter this morning. Here’s a line from that letter, “Sometimes the love is so overwhelming that I feel like a wave has crashed over me and I’m drowning happily in you.” He makes me so very happy. My friends make me so very happy. My life in this cosmopolitan city make me so very happy.
Being on this path to getting pregnant, I sometimes feel like I have limited vision. I get so consumed with wanting to achieve a goal that I forget what it is that makes me happy. Do I really want a baby, now at 28?
I’m a very self absorbed girl. My life is about me and MPS. He works a ton; thus, I socialize a ton. My life is good. Dare I say it feels pretty fulfilled and complete. A baby is going to change everything. Will I feel trapped with a little one?
I am in this wonderful state of bliss. Is this a fake happiness created in my Prozac world?
Infertile Cow's Journey to the Slaughterhouse 