My Doctor Is A Fucking Ass-hat July 7, 2008

I officially hate Dr. S.  What a fucking dipshit a-hole. 

I get a call at 10:15 this morning to come in for a blood test.  I rush to the doctor’s office so I can make my 11 am Pilates class.  Thankfully, I didn’t miss Pilates or I’d be even more pissed off.  My doctor will now be referred to as the Ass-hat.  Ass-hat called me this afternoon.  I thought about letting the call go to voicemail and caved at the last minute.

Ass-hat:  What’s going on?  Why did you come in today? [ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????  I came in b/c I got a faint positive on a pregnancy test.  I called your fucking stupid office and simply said, "I got a faint positive, what's the next step?"  The receptionist said, "I'll pass on the message to the Ass-hat."  Apparently, you advised someone in your office to call me to give fucking blood you fucking ass-hat.

Me:  I got a faint positive on a pregnancy test.

Ass-hat:  When was your last period?  [Dude, don't you have my fucking chart in front of your fucking face, you fucking moron???]

Me:  Let me check my calendar…. June 6th.

Ass-hat:  Why did you take a pregnancy test? Is it because you missed your period?  [If I could have reached through the phone and slapped the shit out of him and punched him in the teeth I would have been happy.]

Me:  It was the weekend of the 4th and there were parties to go to… I wanted to know how much fun could be had.

Ass-hat:  *The ass-hat chuckles* Well did the results keep you from having fun? [At this point I'm ready to fucking throttle the man.]

Me:  Uhm, yeah.

Ass-hat:  Well your HCG is 4.5.  I don’t know what that means.  It could be HCG from the prior pregnancy.  We just don’t know.

Me:  So can I just ignore this?

Ass-hat:  Not if that means you’ll do anything to jeopardize a possible pregnancy.  You need to come back in about 2 weeks to get more blood work.

Me:  Well that’s great.  I have to behave like I’m pregnant for 2 weeks.

Ass-hat:  Well, you can come into the office in a week.

Me:  Forget it.  I’ll be in 2 weeks.  BYE.

What about a DOUBLE FUCK YOU???  I loathe the man.  Detest him.  All I want is a pitcher of prickly pear margarita.

Stupid Shit Doctors Say June 4, 2008

Is it just me or does everyone in my situation hate their fertility specialist? MPS thinks I maybe deflecting my anger towards the wrong person.  I told my husband, “good, at least I’m not angry with you.”

I really feel like doctors are fucktwats.  They just say stupid shit without realizing how it sounds.

Dr. S:  How are you?

Me:  Good

Dr. S:  So you’re back at work?

Me:  Yes

Dr. S:  Good for you!!!

STFU.  Did I just ask you to be my personal cheerleader?  No.  SO STFU.  Do you know that I’m sitting here at my office in tears contemplating taking a Valium b/c I can’t function???  No you don’t.  So shut your mouth.  And seriously dude, don’t tell me how god damn good it is to be back at work. 

Dr. S, CHA Fertility, Pregnant Women, Babies, Happy People, People with Hope:  I hate all of you.

I literally do not know how to be happy right now.  I want to be.  I can’t. I just can’t.  I have never in my entire life felt so fucked up.  I feel like I’m losing myself into this sea of saddness.  It’s so easy to let go…

D&C June 3, 2008

All I can say is THANK EVERYTHING in this Universe that MPS took the day off from work. I couldn’t sleep before my procedure. I was up at 5 am. Nervous. Shaking. My heart ached.

Dr. S only has authority with Hollywood Pres and not Cedars Sinai. Uhm, Hollywood Pres is severely ghettofied.

I was taken into a room and an IV was placed in my arm. Dr. S was there. He could tell I was in complete and total freak out mode. I got wheeled into the operating room. It was ugly and beyond cold. The anaesthesia was put in my IV. A gas mask was put on my face. My face started stinging as the anaesthesia started to work. I though chemicals were being thrown on my face (and not in a fun chemical peel facial kind of way). I woke up immediately after the procedure was done. My vagina was sore and felt heavy. I was hysterical. I demanded to be let out of the hospital.  I signed a waiver so I didn’t have to stay a minute later. I just couldn’t be in there. I thought I was losing my mind and simultaneously catching a disease.  Like I said, the hospital is ghetto fabulous at best.

I was also very pissed. What the fuck is wrong with doctors?  I had a million questions for Dr. S.  Dr. S couldn’t wait for me to wake up and ask him questions???  Dude, are you really that busy?   I had to call him and he said he would do the miscarriage work up and run tests on me and MPS to see if there are any reasons why we can’t hold onto a baby. But he also had to add, “most likely we won’t find anything.” I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF BEING TOLD THAT. I don’t know why I need fertility meds to ovulate.. I am fucking 28 years old and in perfect health. I don’t know why I can’t keep any of my 3 pregnancies and once again I am 28 years old and in perfect health.  Feeling seriously pissy here.

I cried all day yesterday. I took Prozac, Valium and pain killers and nothing helped ease my pain. I couldn’t even pee b/c it burned so much. I can’t have sex for 2 weeks and I really want to be intimate and feel close to my husband in that way.

I’m home from work today. I feel like I’m falling apart. Time for my prozac