So much has happened and I don’t have the time to write. There’s lots to digest. For a moment I reached clarity and then it escaped. I live in my head a bit too much.. and that’s not living.
I’ll post soon, when I can get my head out of my ass.
Time For Summer Fun July 8, 2008
I wish my period would just come. I think I would weep from joy. Being in limbo just sucks. Ass-hat clearly doesn’t get how much it truly sucks being in limbo-hell. I suppose that’s a man for you.
I am so tired of this weird cramping bullshit on the lower right side of my belly. Please oh please period please come. I do not want to be pregnant right now.
I’m tired of this nonsense. I just need a break. I need room to breathe, relax and have fun. It’s Summer. I live in the best city in the world. I have the coolest friends a chick could ask for. It’s time to chillax and have a rockin’ Summer. So, I’m done for now. No more fertility anything. No more visits to Ass-hat’s office. I still plan on having mad unprotected sex (condoms — no thank you). One of the best parts of marriage is access to mad unprotected sex.
I’m supposed to go see Ass-hat in 2 weeks to get more blood work done. And I’m thinking — screw that shit. If I don’t get my period in 2 weeks I’ll take another pregnancy test. Hopefully it’ll be hella negative and I can enjoy the Summer having hella naughty fun.
I may or may not update this blog until September. I know there are people out there reading my crazy shit (I see you guys on Stat Counter). I recognize a lot of the IP addresses b/c you’re my peeps and I gave you a link to this blog. But who the fuck are the rest of you reading this?? I have an inkling of who you are (Surprise, I see you!). I hope you’re getting a good laught out of this blog. I’m pretty fucked up, so hopefully you feel less fucked up reading this crap-tastic blog.
Things Do Not Bode Well For Me July 7, 2008
Friday, July 4th: I had debilitating cramps. They would come and go but hurt like a bitch. I had to hunch over in pain. Something was off.
Saturday, July 5th: Faint positive line on pregnancy test.
Sunday, July 6th: Faint positive line on pregnancy test.
Monday, July 7th: Faint positive line on pregnancy test. Puked in my mouth a little from anxiety as I called Dr. S’s office to find out the next step.
Fuck this waiting around, I’m going to Pilates.
Oh My July 3, 2008
Yesterday I decided to get my act together. Even though I’m not hungry from Prozac, I forced myself to eat. I’m quite proud b/c the food just didn’t taste good. I didn’t care — I made myself chew and swallow. Nutrition!!
- Breakfast: TJ’s heart healthy blueberry oatmeal with flax seeds.
- Lunch: mixed green salad with roasted vegetables, polenta & cheese.
- Dinner: steamed French lentils and raw vegetables
As soon as I came home from work, I went on an hour hike. One of my good friends called out of the blue. We chatted it up for 2 1/2 hours. She encouraged me to do group/community meditation as it has given her greater mental clarity. It’s my goal for next week to go to a group meditation.
Last night I started feeling queasy. So queasy that I didn’t want to have sex. And man, did MPS look freaking hot as hell. I woke up feeling icky. My stomach was a little queasy. I felt shakey! I still feel like I could pass out. I’m on 10 dpo. I don’t know what’s going on. I think I maybe coming down with something. I’m not feeling so hot.
Yup, Gearing Up To Pee July 2, 2008
I went to Target and bought pregnancy tests. I plan on testing on Saturday when I’ll be 12 dpo.
On one hand I want the result to be negative:
- My bro is coming into town and we can go out and party.
- I haven’t finished my miscarriage workup.
- I wasn’t on model behavior during the two week wait (2ww) the way I usually am. Ugh, STRESS.
- I’m on Prozac. Even though my shrink says it’s okay to be pregnant and on Prozac it scares me.
- I can’t deal with another miscarriage.
On the other hand, I’d be tickled if it were positive (but riddled with anxiety).
Let me sit here and stress out about this some more.
Sh*t, Sh*t, Sh*t July 2, 2008
Oh fuckity crap. My doctor told me that I would ovulate the weekend of the 21st. I am 98% sure that I ovulated on Monday, June 23rd. How do I know? I went to pee and it appeared as if someone had gone into my vagina and cracked an egg or two. Egg whites were pouring out. Monday was the last day I got egg whites.
I think I’m 8 dpo today. I have cramps. Mild cramps. I don’t cramp before my period. I have only cramped like this the 3 times I was pregnant.
I am not emotionally prepared for this. I’m in freak out mode. There is NO FUCKING DOUBT that if I am pregnant, it will turn into the creature and fall out of my vagina. I was supposed to finish my miscarriage work up via blood tests in mid-July.
I’m on 40 mg of Prozac. I’ve been guzzling espresso. I had a “fun” weekend — need I say more about my partying? My nutrition sucks right now b/c I’m not eating properly. I’ve been taking pre-natal vitamins (thank gawd).
I’m really fucking scared. I can not go through another miscarriage. I just can’t.
Just In Case June 27, 2008
Wow, I’m such a pessimist and I’m more than okay with being one. I believe most women who ovulate and are actively trying to get pregnant would be extra saint-like in the two week wait (2ww). They’d be giddy about the possibility of an impending pregnancy. They would stay away from guilty pleasures like espresso, wine and sushi. They would diligently take their pre-natal vitamins.
I don’t do that shit. First, if I was pregnant my vagina would open up and spit out the creature. Second, my first inclination during this 2ww is to over consume. Thoughts like, “hmm… maybe I should have an extra shot of espresso in my latte or a 2nd drinkiei just in case I find out I’m pregnant in a week.” It’s okay to indulge in the naughty before I find out I’m pregnant not after b/c then there’s massive guilt. Thank goodness for bright yellow line distinctions.
My logic is interesting.
And the results are in…. June 24, 2008
The miscarriage workup told me NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH. Well Dr. S had prepared me for this. We still know nothing. Fun, right?
I’m really happy that Dr. S calls me with the results and not a nurse. It would really irk me otherwise.
Prozac-a-holic June 19, 2008
I’m seriously scared about getting off of my Prozac. There’s this fear that I’ll crash if I stop taking it. I’m probably going to ovulate this weekend. Dr. S didn’t advise me to stop taking Prozac but to simply see my shrink. I have an appointment with her next Saturday.
Prozac has become my feather. I never forget to take it like birth control back in the day or my pre-natal vitamins when I was pregnant. I need Prozac. I think I love Prozac. I’m starting to wonder how I survived without it and that’s a little scary…. but not scary enough to kick my habit.
It’s Seeping In June 6, 2008
The saddness that is. I’m starting to have all of this anxiety over tomorrow. One fucking year since my dad died. I just keep thinking about when I found him dead. The way I knew. I felt it. His skin was so cold. I keep hearing his voice when he called me by my nickname about a week before he passed. I’m grateful that I was by his side until the very end.
I know this is really fucking stupid. One of the reasons I thought my last pregnancy was going to stick was b/c the baby was supposed to be born right around my dad’s birthday in December. I thought it was fate. I really just didn’t think this pregnancy would fail. I had visions of naming my kid after my dad if it were to be a boy.
In other news some weird brown shit is dripping out of my pussy. Think nasty brown jello gone bad. Maybe my period is starting.
