What Do I Want? July 2, 2008

I wrote MPS a love letter this morning.  Here’s a line from that letter, “Sometimes the love is so overwhelming that I feel like a wave has crashed over me and I’m drowning happily in you.” He makes me so very happy.  My friends make me so very happy.  My life in this cosmopolitan city make me so very happy.

Being on this path to getting pregnant, I sometimes feel like I have limited vision.  I get so consumed with wanting to achieve a goal that I forget what it is that makes me happy.  Do I really want a baby, now at 28? 

I’m a very self absorbed girl.  My life is about me and MPS.  He works a ton; thus, I socialize a ton.  My life is good.  Dare I say it feels pretty fulfilled and complete.  A baby is going to change everything.  Will I feel trapped with a little one? 

I am in this wonderful state of bliss.  Is this a fake happiness created in my Prozac world?

Recovering June 30, 2008

Not quite bottles in the club.  Keeled over a waste basket in the ladies room.  Holding MPS as he puked outside of the car.  Not going to bed until 10 am on Sunday morning.  My entire body aches.  My brain is fuzzy.  I felt alive. This weekend was much needed fun.  I wish I could hold onto that feeling.

I woke up this morning feeling down.  I can’t pinpoint an exact reason for my feelings.  My shrink upped my Prozac to 40 mg/day.  I have to go to the drug store to pick up my meds, I’m plum out of Prozac. 

So much to do today and I just want to crawl back into bed.  Le Sigh.

My Priorities, My Perogative June 27, 2008

Would I rather have a weight issue or a fertility issue. 

Ding! Ding! Ding!  I’d rather be an infertile cow.  I know that I’m a fucked up cow for having this belief.  Can I blame it on the media or something?

On IM:

Moon: I just took – on a half hour scooting adventure. Yet, still, I am fat.

me: fucking thyroid

Moon: It’s just so unfair. I should look like a supermodel.

me: it’s more unfair than having babies fall out of ur vagina.  it’s just pure WRONG.

Moon: I’m glad u understand my pain.

 

Public Service Announcement June 4, 2008

All fertility clinics should refer their patients to see a shrink.  I would even say it’s unethical not to do so.  This entire battles effs with your mind in ways you didn’t think was possible.  I took high school and college biology and I know that eggs start drying up the older you get.  If I got married at 42 I think I could deal with this better.  My hopes of getting pregnant wouldn’t be that high.  But I got married in my early 20’s.  I started trying in my mid 20’s.  My brain CAN NOT process why my body is behaving like a stupid selfish whore. 

I swoon over my psychiatrist.  Dr. Ruby is kick ass.  She knows exactly what I’m going through (she dealt with this infertile bull shit).  I don’t know if there’s a person in this world who understands me better.

Get a shrink.  There’s no shame in it.  Think of it this way — it’s the privilege of having money — all the yuppies are doing it.